Icarus breathes underwater

I arrived in Flagstaff, Arizona as a wanderer driving a bonneville. Somehow I ended up being there a year. I became a front desk manager at Motel Dubois (a hostel) and lived there. It catered to international backpackers. Most of the guests' destination was the Grand Canyon - its about a hundred or so miles away. I still haven't been to the Grand Canyon. Flagstaff is a college town. Arizona State University is located in Flagstaff and was only a 10 min bike ride away. I began my email career there. I'll always remember that year as the year I turned inside out and imploded.

I had a crazy moment 40 days before the New year on top of a mountain 20 miles from the nearest road. I was on my Stumpjumper with 2 other mountainbikers. We'd been biking for a couple hours thru a foot of snow and the sun had set. My gloves were totally inadequate and my fingers were freezing and I was freaking. I just hit a point where I flipped and started yelling, screaming and cursing. Hand stuck on the panic button. My self loathing had found its way to the surface and exploded. This anger was an expression of self hatred. I cursed myself repeatedly. I can remember the look of shock and bewilderment on one of the guys faces. He was a friend where as the other guy turned his back - I'd just ridden with him a few times. After a few minutes of my freakshow my friend said "Hey dude, we're going, its cold and late." With that he handed me his gloves and they both began to descend. I somehow pulled my self together and started down the icy mountain. After 20 minutes I returned his gloves. I began to warm up and managed to keep from falling or crashing. When we hit the mainroad to town we were still 5 miles from our homes. I remember racing ahead on the wet black roads while traffic flew passed with bright head lights. I lost a friend that night. I hope he's well. A gentle, sweet, cool guy.

The consequence of my going nuclear led me to accelerate my breathing exercise experiments. Spiritual practices started 5AM every morning, 5 Tibetans, tai-chi, didjeridoo and singing. I never missed a day. The discipline was great but the foundation of my practice was anger. This would be my downfall. But even though this Icarus crashed into the sea and sunk. He/I learned how to breathe underwater and rebuild his/my wings.