Skip wants a monkey

Skip is not into washing his truck. He only has his hair cut once or twice a year but he does change his clothes a couple times a week. His t-shirts are always clever and humorous. Many of them mention dirt. One day Skip will go to the pet shop and order a pet monkey. He'll think to himself: I'm not getting any younger. Thus, it is enevitable that he will find himself at a pet store saying something like: "Excuse me, I'd like to order a monkey who can dig, stack rocks and roll cigarettes."

The pet store employee will think that this is some kind of hoax. Maybe his name is Bob. Bob will look for hidden cameras and act sarcastic so that the viewers don't view him as a sucker. Maybe he'll ask dryly: "Are you qualified to care for a monkey?" Then he will gaze snobbily at Skip's dirty t-shirt, ripped short shorts and old black sandals before letting a silent snicker out of the side of his mouth.

You think Skip's gonna take this crappy service? Then you're bananas! Skip is gonna put Bob in his place. Bob's gonna be Skip's monkey bitch!

Maybe Skip takes a dramatic pause before he shows his teeth and pretends to smile. He'll say something like: "Bob, I suggest you listen to me carefully. I aint getting any younger. My work takes me from the one end of the continent to the other. When this country's infrastructure collapses and all the softies, like you, get all catatonic and agraphobic, it will be me and my monkey running the show. Now, you have a rare opportunity to make some points with me. This could be the key to your survival."

Bob cannot believe that Skip's for real. While Skip spoke, Bob's jaw dropped and a small thread of saliva slipped out of the side of his mouth. He uses his right arm to wipe the drool off his face.

Skip continues: "What happens when there's no more lumber? Where are folks gonna live? You don't think about these things because you are a weak boy. You are dependent on the physical labor of others. I build homes without wood. I dig them out of the sides of hills and turn them into works of art that folks can live in. What do you do Bob?"

Bob is now convinced that Skip is some loonie tunes homeless man living on the street. "Sir, it is now time for you to go. Please leave the store."

Hey, relax Skip, there's other stores where you can find your monkey. You can try the yellow pages or the internet. Why not go on an expedition to South America and you can find your monkey yourself.

Skip mellows out and leaves the store without a fuss. He'll think something like: There's more than one way to get a monkey.