Bingo

For me nothing is as frustrating as the game of tennis. It is a sport that I have played for just about 4 decades and I don't feel like I have anything to show for it. I am not sure exactly why it achilles' heels my lymbic system. My deepest insecurities come out and I become reactionary and then my mood spirals into deeper levels of self loathing. I guess there is not very much room for error when it comes to this game. Part of me watches the disintergration of my personality in horror. Silently praying for another way to process the inevitable unforced errors that are part of the game. Yesterday, after freaking for a while, something clicked and I was able to make a mistake and think: "Oh, made a mistake, hm hit the ball into the net." The rest of the game was fine and I did not unravel. So, for today's game, I had hopes that maybe I'd turned a corner and straightened out the faulty wiring that leads to my short circuiting. But no, right away, I became frustrated after miscuing the first 6 points into the net. My mind immediately runs the programs of negativity and self criticisms that run underneath my psyche. Bri's favorite thing to say is "relax". If only it were that simple. I've been doing tai chi for over 10 years. Played the didjeridoo for over a decade. Yoga for almost a decade. Chi gong for 7 years. As well as other body sensory exercises that all invlove breathing and relaxation. No, it just is a bit more complicated for this monkey. Any way, this meltdown of mine does not seem to occur to this degree with anything but tennis. Thus my question, what's going on here? Why do I let tennis trigger me to behave in ways that I abhor? What can I learn about myself? Should I just retire and find other things to do with my time?

Tonight, I was once again challenged by Mom and Dad in the great international past time of SCRABBLE. After my tennis debacle tonight, I was kind of in a daze and just running on auto pilot. So, when Mom asks me to play, I don't think, just say "Yeah."

The first game, I start out racking up points and then get stuck with a bunch of vowels and a closed out board. I turn most of them in, lose my turn and start fresh. I am still in the lead though. I draw a whole bunch of power tiles and the board is still closed out. I look and look and look but see ziltcharooni. Time runs out and I just say: "Pass." So now I have missed two turns. This is kind of my low point. It kind of helps me to relax though and soon my brain is working, figuring out word combinations, strategizing and collecting points.

Mom had managed to capitalize on my two rounds of zero points and built up a lead that I think gave her a false sense of security because as the game wore down and the tile bag became empty, I managed to catch up to her and then get out first, using the U, C and E with the hook - c to form cute and win the first game by about 6 points.

The next game was a whole different story. This one went my way, I bulit up a strong lead, word tripled with BELOWS and then bingoed with DECEASE by laying the E over an N to form EN. This gave me 66 points and an insurmountable lead. I ended up with 265 points which actually was more than Mom and Dad combined. Record for trip is now 8 wins 2 losses.