A dancing wolf, a whole bunch of sheep and wool

Once again, I will risk the tattered remnants of my recycled reputation and make a fearless prediction. As always, my hunch is based on meticulously scouring such lofty resources for intelligent news like: metafilter, drudge report, cnn, girls are pretty, rigorous intuition, suburban guerrilla, satirical veracity etc.. Michael Jackson will fake his suicide within 5 days. This wolf in sheep's clothing will pull the wool over everyone's eyes. He'll have his clone (sacrificial lamb) killed and we will all have a body to convince us that he's dead. Meanwhile, he'll have his favorite plastic surgeon perform some extremely radical surgery to make him look like one of the italian cardinals. He'll pick a tall and skinny one of course. After his makeover, Michael will then have the cardinal he looks like kidnapped while he's visiting Mc Donald's or something. The most daring and difficult part of Michael Jackson's plan will then begin. He has to convince the other cardinals that he should be pope. He won't say a thing. He won't have to. All he needs to do is pull a Napoleon Dynamite out of his butt: Jackson first will hit play on his big ass boombox. Some old classic hip-hop pours out of the speakers. Base is pumpin, yo. Now he starts moonwalkin and now he's doin the robot now he's a mime, "wow this guy can really shake it". The stiff old cardinals are beyond impressed and they all vote for the tall skinny italian cardinal, its a no-brainer.

Epilogue: The new pope is having an amusement park built in the Cistine Chapel. He really loves kids. The new pontiff even lets them sleep in his bedroom. Of course he sleeps on the floor. Don't be a perv! Pope Jacko serves Jesus juice every Sunday. It's a sacrament! get off his case! he's infallible now.