You are what you seek

The Prana saga appears to have come to an abrupt end. While awaiting my laptop to boot up, I spotted a note on the desk which came from Millenium. Basically the note states: "Prana came and said 'Goodbye'. removed his things from the cupboard and refridgerator. Walter & Jane & I wished him happy journeying." It will be interesting to see what happens now that he's left. He was a good scapegoat, like a lightening rod giving the atmospheric electricity a place to focus. The severe criticism that he attracted should not surprise me I guess. Over the months of his living here, I became habituated to his manner of conducting himself. The latest arrivals all seem to have had the same initial reaction I did. The difference was the number of complaints he generated quadrupled. It looks like he took it on himself to bolt rather than run the gauntlet of a meeting which would have basically been a Prana roast that might not have been very funny. Now, we shall never know.

Today, I once again experienced the feeling of inadequacy that I seem to be addicted to. A girl I met at the party last night, wanted to see the estate and the big craftsman bungaloe. She's pretty cute and all that. I hop on my CBR 900 and she follows me home in her red Pontac Grand Am down the straight back way of Grand avenue and up the steep Foothill Road. Its all in the timing. Just as we pull thru the gate, I see Bill in his brown Cross Country Volvo wagon and Daryl riding shotgun, they are on the way out. I stop my bike, put my feet on the ground and watch Daryl pop put of the Volvo like a piece of toast jumping out of the toaster. He lands in front of Maya like she is butter and quickly invites her to Farmer and the Cookie for some tea. I closely watch the glaze of his eyes and the sleepy smile on his face. Women have all the power. At least the pretty ones do. Bill chimes in over the roar of all the engines "It's tea time, come on and get some tea".

Maya's kind of surprised and confused. She asks me what she should do. I respond cooly: "I'm flex do what ever you want to do". Bill invites me but I decline. I have a yoga agenda.

I turn to daryl and say privately: "Nice swoop"
Daryl: "She's got a boyfriend."
Me: "Then thanks, you're doing me a favor."

Yeah, it aint easy being a single guy. Lucky I have it so good in all the other areas of my life. I guess it just evens out. Ironically, it was apparent to me that she was genuinely interested in Daryl. I must be experiencing some jealousy to be honest. They do seem suited for eachother. Its kind of funny how trivial incidents can trigger such shifts in my mood despite my awareness that its happening and my attempt to keep a sense of perspective. My neurons are like dominoes. Once one is knocked over/fired, forget about it. My lymbic system crashes. I start feeling like I am some alien from another dimension who longs to meet a sweet woman. The problem: there just is not a woman for me. Just a bunch of earthlings. But what am I?Thus, my magnetism becomes reverse magnetism. I'm the opposite of Superman. The whole planet is my kryptonite. Somehow, I am hardwired, (my dominoes all set up in a prearranged pattern), so that I will endlessly follow these emotional programs like a train on a set of tracks. The hard core part of me is driven to find freedom from this self created prison cell made with neural bars and delusional walls.

I have eaten the key and will soon digest it.

I am Hansel and Gretel. I am the witch. I have tricked the witch into the oven and she is broiling. I have eaten myself out of the sugary candy gingerbread house jail but I am not free yet. The sugar is all poison. It changes my intestnal flora. The brilliant cultures in my mouth, intestines and stomach are replaced by fascist cultures that do not even know I exist. They believe they have dominion over me. The overall impact changes my PH and I become extremely acidic. This sends a signal to the evironment/nature that I am dying and so now everything wants to eat/recycle me. Suddenly, I have all the silly allergies to things like pollen, cat hair and wool. My nose runs away, my eyes water my face and my skin develops rashes that form letters, sentences and passages from the Koran, Revelations and the Book of Mormon. I begin to read them. Before I can finish they change into cartoons featuring Beavus, Butthead, Sponge Tom and Rectangle Pants. Thats not doing me any good so I look away. I watch my breath and slow it down. My heart rate reduces. I walk thru the woods following a trail of bread crumbs that no animal will eat because its all Wonder Bread and lacks any nutritional content. I start to jog, reveling in the grace of motion as the blood courses thru my veins. My lungs expand and a breeze tickles the hair on my arms.

I leave the woods and enter an apple orchard. And then I spy her: Eve, she is naked and unashamed. She is sitting behind an apple juice stand. She makes the juice with a hand powered juicer. She offers me a glass. I accept and as I begin to swallow the luxurious liquid, I see a large reticular python snake coiling around the trunk of an apple tree. Eve follows the direction my gaze and smiles as she sees my eyes widen, she says: "Don't worry that's just my friend. His name is Shiva."